I had a great visit to Ball State University several months back — great people, great performance. The highlight, though, was something that, well, I didn’t want to boast about. I’ve been reading about all of the famous people receiving honorary doctorate degrees at this year’s college commencements, and the fact is I have everybody beat.

Because when I was at Ball State, I was awarded a (fake) honorary doctorate. In… Grade 2 Band Composition.

It’s endorsed with signatures from the Ball State University Mascot (chirp chirp!), the Chairman of the Thespian Society (shout-out to Thespian Troupe #513 at Westerville South! Woot!), Lexie Ann Skyler (Head Cheerleader), and Ball State’s unappreciated music librarian (Fanny Mendelssohn).  Thomas Caneva, Director of Bands, who arranged the whole thing, somehow neglected to sign.

I’d asked them if I could have an honorary degree in something like dentistry, but this was the best they could do.  (Wouldn’t it rule to open a dentist’s office with, “John Mackey, DDS (hon.)” on the door?  Who wouldn’t trust a doctor with an honorary medical degree?)

Dentistry, Grade 2 Band Composition — what’s the difference, really?  Regardless, you can all now refer to me as Doctor Mackey.

It appears that “Asphalt Cocktail” should come with some kind of warning.  Over the past year, a percussionist at Oklahoma State (you can hear their phenomenal recording here) sliced his thumb open on the sheared metal of the crushed trash can, splattering blood onto his part when he returned to the tambourine to play the last few bars of the piece…

In March, a percussionist playing the same part at Gresham High School nearly broke her pinky during a rehearsal.

Then there was the picture that Cody Birdwell sent me from the emergency room after he stabbed his fancy graphite baton all the way through his thumb during an Asphalt Cocktail rehearsal.

The cake, though, goes to Daniel Pritchett, the conductor of the band at Valparaiso High School in Indiana. After their performance a few weeks ago, Dan sent me this note…

The students will remember that piece all of their lives. And so will I, as my pacemaker/defibrillator went off during the piece on our two local concerts!! I was in the hospital Wed. night and Thursday of last week trying to get my heart regulated.

He’s not joking. The piece nearly gave the man a heart attack.

I don’t know whether to be impressed, flattered, or horrified. I think I’m going to start including a liability waiver with the rental agreement, though.

After receiving several emails from people who wondered why I was dissing the Mozart Gran Partita in my last blog entry, it seemed that I should clarify what I meant.  The piece: obviously great.  It’s place on that program: not good at all.

I understand that tradition puts the concerto on the first half, and the big symphony on the second half, but the Gran Partita is not a big symphony.  It’s chamber music, and maybe my assumption on this is way off, but I’ve always thought it was intended as background music for parties and fancy-pants dinners.  I didn’t think it made sense to follow Jennifer Higdon’s very exciting Violin Concerto — with full orchestra accompaniment and Hilary Hahn — with a piece for a dozen wind players.  If the Gran Partita had been the first half of the concert rather than the second, my attitude about it would have been much better.  This was a meal where the appetizer was served as dessert.

My other issue was that this performance took every single repeat.  Every one!  Do I really need to hear every minuet theme twice?  And it made the whole thing last 45 minutes.  For my taste, that’s too much Classical period background music.  Yes, it’s great background music — probably the best.  But I can’t hear that after the Higdon concerto with Hilary Hahn and not feel that the Mozart is a bit sleepy by comparison.