I had a great visit to Ball State University several months back — great people, great performance. The highlight, though, was something that, well, I didn’t want to boast about. I’ve been reading about all of the famous people receiving honorary doctorate degrees at this year’s college commencements, and the fact is I have everybody beat.

Because when I was at Ball State, I was awarded a (fake) honorary doctorate. In… Grade 2 Band Composition.

It’s endorsed with signatures from the Ball State University Mascot (chirp chirp!), the Chairman of the Thespian Society (shout-out to Thespian Troupe #513 at Westerville South! Woot!), Lexie Ann Skyler (Head Cheerleader), and Ball State’s unappreciated music librarian (Fanny Mendelssohn).  Thomas Caneva, Director of Bands, who arranged the whole thing, somehow neglected to sign.

I’d asked them if I could have an honorary degree in something like dentistry, but this was the best they could do.  (Wouldn’t it rule to open a dentist’s office with, “John Mackey, DDS (hon.)” on the door?  Who wouldn’t trust a doctor with an honorary medical degree?)

Dentistry, Grade 2 Band Composition — what’s the difference, really?  Regardless, you can all now refer to me as Doctor Mackey.